Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
