I want to walk on stilts...naked
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
