You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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