I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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