ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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