Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
