my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize