My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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