I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
