I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize