I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
