On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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