I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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