My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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