Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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