i don't plan on having that self control this summer
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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