You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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