is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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