fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
