mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Pooping to opera.
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