I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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