True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
