i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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