Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
