My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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