I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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