I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
