I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
