i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
