i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
do herpes really smell.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
