Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
