oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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