Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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