drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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