i just google imaged poop.
we made out on top of his cat.
Welp...herpes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
