I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
