I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
