You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
