I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
