I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
