I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
