i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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