So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
