i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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