I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
