He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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