Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
false alarm, still single
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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