I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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