What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
