Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
