...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
