I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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