I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
