from now on my penis is your penis
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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