Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Bring me that man meat
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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