I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
