Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
