can u get pink eye on your cock?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
