if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
