currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
